i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
