Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Farmville is her only friend.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
