That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
