bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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