I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
