Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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