I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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