i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
