Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
