Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
