Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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