I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
