dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
