Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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