oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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