there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
