I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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