You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
