I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
