Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
