you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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