i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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