had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
please come you make the beer taste better
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
