If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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