Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
