My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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