Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
