have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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