He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
