I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize