i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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