I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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