Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Randomize
