DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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