Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
