My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
