i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
