We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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