Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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