he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
