Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
