Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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