yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
