He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
soo... how was my night?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize