Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
