How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
