I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
