I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
