drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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