So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
