I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
