the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
