I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
