I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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