Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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