Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
