he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
