I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We are all done wearing pants today
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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