Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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