you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
