Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
