woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
